It's been a while since my last post. The last few weeks of the school term always get busy and of course, coupled with Uni assignments, it results in extra stress.
This term has been a trying one, all 11 weeks of it. My 'flutters' (this is my pre-panic attack state) started increasing and were causing me much discomfort. At first it was just at night, but then it started in the morning and would continue all day. It's a strange feeling, being on the verge of being breathless and shaky, and unable to control it. That lack of control is hard to handle.
Obviously, it meant a visit to the doctor. To rule out any possibilities of other issues, I was treated to several heart tests, just to be sure this was not a contributing factor. Luckily all tests were fine, but this meant that it was probably the anxiety, which in turn meant increasing my dose of meds. So I have had to up my dose, twice and it seems to have done the trick :) Woohoo. The only trouble with the meds, when I first started taking them, they made me feisty. Each time I have to increase the dose, this is one of the side effects, so I tend to get a little angry. I am not naturally an angry person and have a fair amount of self-control, but I sometimes just want to yell or roar at people when they frustrate me. I get even more sassy than usual and sometimes it is not in my favour. I don't lose it often, but when I have I usually end up regretting it - well how I reacted. It also results in me feeling vacant and my people skills evaporate. I feel distant and as if I am living in a dream. Surreal, really.
What I find particularly annoying about living with anxiety is not having a reason. It's just there and it feels as if it appeared out of nowhere. Well, I felt it developing but never thought I would land up where I am. I felt a bit stressed but who doesn't? It was a busy end of year, I was starting a new job the next year, heading for a trip to South Africa to visit family and I thought it was just a result of feeling a bit overwhelmed. I started the new year on a back foot and it just snowballed from there - nearly 18 months ago. I look around and I see a world in pain, I see people in pain and here's me, living a good and blessed life with no reason to be struggling mental health, yet I am. I can understand when something happens and causes mental illness but when it just rears its head and torments you, it really makes no sense. I end up feeling angry at myself for feeling this way and guilty that I am so blessed, yet over it.
