It's hard to know where to begin when talking about mental health, even more so when it involves you personally. Although many are affected, it is such a personal experience for each individual and has influencing factors making it 'easier' or more difficult to keep swimming. Either way, it is a confusing, exhausting and emotionally taxing experience, leaving a person feeling less than adequate, somewhat crazy and fearful of what the future holds.
I never really considered my own mental health seriously until I panic attacks would disarm me at least once a week. Night panic attacks were far more frequent and I would wake up out of breath, shaking and traumatised. I tried to ignore it, brush it under the carpet but feeling terrified for no reason, angry and tearful was interfering with my life. It took a lot of coaxing to get myself up in the morning and dressed. Tears would run down my cheeks as I drove to work and by the time I arrived just after 8am, I was exhausted from the pep talks I had to deliver in order to get myself there. Once there, I was fine. Mornings and afternoons were my worst. Until one afternoon I broke down, for no apparent reason. It was then that I knew (and with the support of my awesome husband) that I needed to see someone.
Medication scares me, but it has rescued me from a dark and daunting place. Not every day is a walk in the park, but it certainly doesn't make life seem so monotonous and futile. What is also scary is being advised to see a psychologist and even a psychiatrist (my initial round of meds were not doing the best possible job) when you have never been down this unknown path before. It felt like admitting to craziness, yet doing it was empowering.
I would love to explore this further if you have time and want to read more. It becomes a lifestyle and consumes a person, so I don't want this to be the focus of my blog. I hope it to be more informative and enlightening, even perhaps a part of my healing process. Compared to a year ago, I am in a much better place, but it is still a daily struggle and some days I feel vacant and disconnected, other days I feel feisty, but through it all, I have learnt that a smile goes a long way (and protects you from your emotions).
Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment or ask any questions.
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ReplyDeleteHi Jacqui, thanks for posting this. I relate. It is scary, medication is scary, psychologists are scary, realising you need help is scary....panic attacks are beyond scary. I mean, we shouldn't feel that seeing a psychologist is any worse than seeing an optometrist, but we do. It means what we are going through is serious, and that's kind of frightening. I think talking about it, blogging etc helps normalise it though. Anxiety and depression are such a common mental health diagnoses, so many people experience them. Perhaps if we become more open it will be less scary for others
ReplyDeleteGreat blog, Jax! You're so brave. I hope it has empowered you all the more writing and pushing the publish button on this piece. We think (know!) you're fabulous and are totes behind you. #TeamJax
ReplyDeletexx