Mental illness, guilt and anger.

It's been a while since my last post. The last few weeks of the school term always get busy and of course, coupled with Uni assignments, it results in extra stress.

This term has been a trying one, all 11 weeks of it. My 'flutters' (this is my pre-panic attack state) started increasing and were causing me much discomfort. At first it was just at night, but then it started in the morning and would continue all day. It's a strange feeling, being on the verge of being breathless and shaky, and unable to control it. That lack of control is hard to handle.

Obviously, it meant a visit to the doctor. To rule out any possibilities of other issues, I was treated to several heart tests, just to be sure this was not a contributing factor. Luckily all tests were fine, but this meant that it was probably the anxiety, which in turn meant increasing my dose of meds.  So I have had to up my dose, twice and it seems to have done the trick :) Woohoo. The only trouble with the meds, when I first started taking them, they made me feisty. Each time I have to increase the dose, this is one of the side effects, so I tend to get a little angry. I am not naturally an angry person and have a fair amount of self-control, but I sometimes just want to yell or roar at people when they frustrate me. I get even more sassy than usual and sometimes it is not in my favour. I don't lose it often, but when I have I usually end up regretting it - well how I reacted. It also results in me feeling vacant and my people skills evaporate. I feel distant and as if I am living in a dream. Surreal, really.

What I find particularly annoying about living with anxiety is not having a reason. It's just there and it feels as if it appeared out of nowhere. Well, I felt it developing but never thought I would land up where I am. I felt a bit stressed but who doesn't? It was a busy end of year, I was starting a new job the next year, heading for a trip to South Africa to visit family and I thought it was just a result of feeling a bit overwhelmed. I started the new year on a back foot and it just snowballed from there - nearly 18 months ago. I look around and I see a world in pain, I see people in pain and here's me, living a good and blessed life with no reason to be struggling mental health, yet I am. I can understand when something happens and causes mental illness but when it just rears its head and torments you, it really makes no sense. I end up feeling angry at myself for feeling this way and guilty that I am so blessed, yet over it.

Mental health and me

It's hard to know where to begin when talking about mental health, even more so when it involves you personally. Although many are affected, it is such a personal experience for each individual and has influencing factors making it 'easier' or more difficult to keep swimming. Either way, it is a confusing, exhausting and emotionally taxing experience, leaving a person feeling less than adequate, somewhat crazy and fearful of what the future holds.

I never really considered my own mental health seriously until I panic attacks would disarm me at least once a week. Night panic attacks were far more frequent and I would wake up out of breath, shaking and traumatised. I tried to ignore it, brush it under the carpet but feeling terrified for no reason, angry and tearful was interfering with my life. It took a lot of coaxing to get myself up in the morning and dressed. Tears would run down my cheeks as I drove to work and by the time I arrived just after 8am, I was exhausted from the pep talks I had to deliver in order to get myself there. Once there, I was fine. Mornings and afternoons were my worst. Until one afternoon I broke down, for no apparent reason. It was then that I knew (and with the support of my awesome husband) that I needed to see someone.

Medication scares me, but it has rescued me from a dark and daunting place. Not every day is a walk in the park, but it certainly doesn't make life seem so monotonous and futile. What is also scary is being advised to see a psychologist and even a psychiatrist (my initial round of meds were not doing the best possible job) when you have never been down this unknown path before. It felt like admitting to craziness, yet doing it was empowering.

I would love to explore this further if you have time and want to read more. It becomes a lifestyle and consumes a person, so I don't want this to be the focus of my blog. I hope it to be more informative and enlightening, even perhaps a part of my healing process. Compared to a year ago, I am in a much better place, but it is still a daily struggle and some days I feel vacant and disconnected, other days I feel feisty, but through it all, I have learnt that a smile goes a long way (and protects you from your emotions).

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to comment or ask any questions.

My sparkle is alive

I recently attended a 'show' presented by Julie Cross http://www.juliecross.com.au/ and I am so chuffed that I went.

Julie is an inspirational speaker who reminds people to be unapologetically themselves and to be the best version of themselves. She says that 'we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are' and isn't this so true. All our experiences define our responses, shape our beliefs about ourselves and we are easily affected by the world, our environment and what we think the world expects of us. It is really difficult living up to imagined perfection.

So often we are caught up in what others are doing, wanting to mimic them and forgetting who we are in the process. We celebrate their successes and have this opinion that the world expects the same of us. But it doesn't, we need to own our space and relax into who WE are. It's about being fearlessly unique. Julie reminded me of this, she reminded me that only I own my sparkle. We all have sparkle, but no-ones sparkle is identical to anyone else's. It's about finding your sparkle. I believe that to find ones sparkle, one needs to take some time out and find what you love. In saying that, infusing that love into all areas of your life will help that sparkle shine. Life is not perfect, it can be mundane and if I am honest, there are times when I feel I am over it. Julie reminded that finding joy in any situation is a choice. There are going to be times of darkness, sadness and we need to embrace those feelings but they can't define us. Nurture yourself, enjoy yourself and share that sparkle with the world and 'look at the world through a sense of awe.'

It was a timely reminder for me and where I am right now. I have had a tough 18months or so. I am having more good days, less tears and the panic attacks are mostly under control. Julie's message sang into my heart. I promised myself that this year I would nurture myself, find myself again and know that when darkness tries to cover me, when panic strikes, 'I have got this' and it is time to #sparkleup. May the good days be longer stretches and in a world of awesome men and women, I am allowed to see myself as a 'SHERO' (she version of a hero)

Thank you to Julie and all of those who have travelled some of this road with me. I will be talking more about mental illness and the confusion and craziness it brings with it, but also the understanding for others and the comfort from others. More on this another time. Thank you for reading xx

Back to the blog.

I feel as though I am in a support group, as I want to start this blog off by saying 'It has been 13 months since my last blog'. In this case, however, I would like to blog more regularly and quit my addiction to procrastination (and chocolate)

When I started this blog, my focus was to be educational, following in the footsteps of my hubby who is a dedicated educator. I am too, but my interests and my writing is far different to his and I think that was part of the problem. I was trying to fit into someone else's mould, rather than create my own.

Apparently I still have a lot to learn about myself, but my hope is to show you how I see the world. It will probably include education, but I can assure you that I will venture down other avenues. As topics arise, random thoughts enter my head or ramblings about life in general, I will be sure to share my experiences and look forward to you following my journey and being part of the road being travelled. We are all interconnected, we all have so much to offer and share and in a time when we try and be a voice, I have decided to find mine and share it with you. Please read along, comment and help me find my voice in the world of screams, echoes and constant interruptions.

It's been great writing again.
Blessings

Reflecting on #28days Day 28

Today marks the end of #28daysofwriting and the opportunity to reflect on the blogging process. Due to illness I missed a week, but I found this exercise worthwhile. It has been a useful tool to explore, reflect, consider and express. As a teacher, I think that blogging or reflecting regularly is very useful for personal and professional growth, it is a great idea to document our own experiences and what we have accomplished in the classroom. It is an opportunity to be vulnerable and see how to improve, it is a platform to develop as a teacher and acknowledge what has worked and what has not.

Writing for 28minutes every day is not easy. Some days I suffered from writer's block. Some days I had little to say and other days I had too much to say. I think that a topic or focus thread for a blog is a good idea as it helps when creating a blog. I usually have too much to say and can spend ages trying to find the write words, so just writing was pretty liberating, though I found most of my posts only mediocre and that my 'writers voice' suffered because of this. As the saying goes, time is a thief and committing to 28 minutes a day, although not a long period of time, is not always easy in the busyness of life. 

What 28days has taught me though, is that regularly writing is great to reflect and share ideas, it often helps consolidate and concrete ideas, emotions, thoughts and experiences. By grappling with this, we not only live in the moment of our day, but reflect on it which is an important tool in being a lifelong invested learner and teacher. 

I doubt I will blog daily and my life gets even busier this coming week as my studies commence once again, but I do hope to make a regular effort in sharing some experiences with you and hopefully in time my 'voice' will become stronger, my learning will improve and you will contribute to my blog to help me develop, grow and learn more along the way.

A big thank you to Tom Barrett for his great idea. What a great initiative. You rock.

Let's be brave, let us be bold, LET'S BLOG.

Sink or swim #28days day27

Today was the school swimming carnival. Yes, it is a long day in the sun, yes I am often wrecked by the end of it, but such a worthwhile day. We get to see our students outside the classroom, outside the confines of the curriculum, having fun and where yelling is an expectation. Team spirit, camaraderie and fun are expressed in full.

Things ran differently when I was at high school in South Africa. Only the top swimmers got to swim, there was no opportunity to swim unless you 'made it'. This involved rigorous time trials and practices during weekly Physical Education lessons at the school pool, and these times determined your success, or lack thereof. Quite frankly, I didn't want to swim, as the other swimmers were so strong, that I was afraid to look a fool anyway, so I got used to and felt comfort in being a supporter...until grade 12 when by some miracle I made it into a race. I have no idea where I placed, I remember getting halfway across the pool thinking (breathlessly wishing) I was nearly at the other end and when I did finally reach the other side, I was pretty thrilled that I was still alive...when you are not a swimmer, 50m is no walk in the park lol. But, it was fun participating, hearing all the houses yelling.

Today, though, I loved. Anyone could participate. There were some kids using pool noodles, some who were almost stranded and in the midst of those up ahead, I saw some beautiful acts of kindness and support. Seniors, getting in alongside those less stronger swimmers, helping them, encouraging them and shouting even louder for them. That is team spirit. These kids entrusted to us are diverse, wonderful creatures and it is a great opportunity to enjoy seeing them outside the classroom. What a privilege to see the unity and enjoy getting to see different sides of the students. Oh and those who choose to miss these events, you really don't know what you are missing, it is a great day, heat and all.  

Ghosts of teachers past #28days day25

As I look back on my school days, there are 3 types of teachers I remember - the ones I loved and the ones I 'didn't love'. The teachers I loved were friendly, kind, vibrant. Then there were the teachers I call 'inbetweeners', they were adequate. Of all my teachers, the majority feature on the 'adequate, I have to really think hard to remember their names, what they taught and any other information I can try wrack from my memory' list. It is sad to think that not a larger majority featured on the 'awesome list'. Though, I am pleased that the teachers who I believe 'failed' me, are a minority. 

My most vivid memory of this teacher was my grade 5 teacher. I was terrified of her, she was always yelling. She reminded us often that we were like a bunch of jellyfish (I am not entirely sure what it meant, but it was not a good thing being a jellyfish!) and her other favourite saying was that getting anything out of us was 'like drawing blood out of a stone'. I don't think anyone contributed because we were so scared. My marks went down, I looked forward to getting to subjects we had with other teachers just so I could feel a little more at ease. That was more than 25 years ago, but I have clear memories of how I felt, the fear and dread I felt when I arrived in class, never knowing when the volcano might erupt and afraid to get the work wrong in case I got into trouble. I lived year 5 in a constant state of fear and anxiety. My peers did as well. I felt flat and on edge. My day was dominated with feelings of negativity and inadequacy. As I got older, I often wondered why this teacher even considered teaching. It is amazing though, that these memories are still with me and have defined me to an extent.

All I hope for as a teacher is to touch someone's life and make them passionate about learning, to know that I truly care. I don't want to be adequate. There are days when I feel I fail my students, but I reflect and hope that I can challenge and inspire them. We respond differently to different teachers and I realise that personality and subject matter also play a role, but for the most part, I hope that if my students look back, they remember me and remember for being passionate, kind and teaching them something they remember. I want them to know that I value them for who they are, that I know there is more to them than the walls of my classroom and that when they look back at their past one day, that their memories are good ones, of inspiration, hope and challenge.